At A Snails Pace (end of month seven)

Progress continues but very, very slowly. Physio continues twice a week with an extra session every month through CCAC. He is using a quad cane at physio and the hemi here, but we are just starting out, it seems there is so much to learn, I fear years and years of it. Speech is sporadic and spontaneous, the speech therapist can do nothing with him. 

We had a our follow up with the Physiologist, who treated him at Brueyere, Dr. Yang. She did an assessment and feels there is a real possibility that he can be rehabilitated to walk and talk. He has agreed to take the supplemental speech classes but I made it clear I would not drive. The one drive we do have together is filled with fights,I have had enough. So we will try it out. 

During this month Mikes mother has been very ill and people now too busy with Christmas. Never saw his family at all during this period. Went out once with my friend Leslie Lewis who helped Mike shop for a gift for me for Christmas as no one else seems to care. 

As for me, I am learning to develop a thicker skin, although I am filled with resentment at what I perceive as personal slights. I have sadly not accepted this, but am moving closer, trying to do more. I hosted a family dinner for two times and have left Mike alone more. Sadly, I have let my gym go to hell but vow to renew that in the new year. I am getting stronger, but like him, at a snails pace. Still on my meds, found a great support group.

This is Christmas week, hoping for some happiness with all the preparations and visits and will finally get to see people.

I have been told that progress can continue up until a year, until then I will try my best to take life moment by moment and in month eight, celebrate the good and pray that 2016 will bring us the progress we desire.

I'm 

Slow But Sure (end of month six)

It's hard to believe it has been six full months since Mike had his stroke. There has been progress , but slow, too slow for my liking. Physically, there is movement in the leg, every session he gets stronger and stronger but it will be a while before there is anything of significance like walking on his own with a a quad cane,  although he is making good progress with both the hemi walker and working on the treadmill. He has trouble with low blood pressure, the doctor has now adjusted his meds. We have physio twice a week at NeuroLogic and the Ccac girls do it to, so we are trying all we can with that.

We finally found a good sling for his shoulder and that has been helping with the pain. He does not complain as much and the sensitivity seems to be abating, there has been movement in the arm and some more muscle build up, he has moved it a bit. 

He is now toileting himself, dressing himself, shaves, eats and has even made a bagel and put cream cheese on it. For the most part, he is in a good mood except when he gets frustrated or drive together, that is never good. 

Speech therapy has been a huge disappointment, we have still not found anyone good who can help him although he has been coming out with many more words and sentences. He is still calling me Mom and sometimes honey, I have given up that old fight. Not worth it. Everyone who sees him says he is better every time.

I am still struggling emotionally, Mikes mother was very ill so we have not seen the family as they are needed more there. Cris and Arnie have been reconnecting and Leslie and Jim and Anne Forbes have come into my life again. I have been trying to continue to go to the gym and lately been leaving Mike  alone to walk the dog, both of us are getting more comfortable with it.

Still no snow to speak of, but I have, gotten a snow plow contract thanks to Maggie and Luc, and got the oil changed and tires, got my sticker and new licence and everything put away for the winter. I have started to decorate for the holidays, I need to move on with life. As hard as it is, I can't mourn forever. I have started to get some help in that area.

So we move on to month seven, and I hope more improvement, would love to see him walk with the can unaided by the end of this next period.

More Words (month 5)

The fifth month has brought some progress, although very, very slowly. Because of holiday and sickness had 2 full weeks without therapy. But I got Shiela the PSW to work with him with the one arm cane. He is getting more stable physically, a bit less pain. But some new developments, he has started to sometimes toilet himself, will pull off his clothes and get into and out of bed himself, will make coffee, bring out the dishes, straighten up the kitchen. In general doing more. But there is still such a long way to go. The arm is still useless and out of joint. One of the milestones is that I no longer have to sleep downstairs here with him, which is huge for me. I can finally get a good nights sleep.

The biggest change over this period is that he he saying more words, speaking a lot more clearly, communication is getting a bit better. People who have not seen him for a few weeks are noticing the difference, and we have yet to have a speech therapist yet. One girl came in, had one evaluation and never saw anyone again. Still haven't paid for the wheelchair but that will be coming. Had to have it fixed again. Got to go out a few times but with the cooler weather, it was less frequent. Went to the Carp Fair with April and Jack and went to the Log Cabin Orchard for an outing with them as I didn't cook a turkey.  We went to Jay and Sherrys home in Osgoode for Thanksgiving dinner, the guys physically lifted him up the stairs. It was wonderful to get out. However his Mom took critically ill and there was a small crowd only

For me, this continues to be a huge struggle, always worried about the future, the decisions etc. I am trying to be more patient with him but I recognize, I cannot work with him on his recovery as he does not want to work with me, the big question for me remains, does he want to recover for himself? He seems very contented to live this life of disability.  

According to statistics, the first six months are the the crital months for recovery, the biggest chance for gains. I will focus on the physio and try and practice some tough love.

I live in hope going into this sixth month that we will see some significant improvements for both Mike and for myself.

The Beginning of Stability (month four)

As predicted,the fourth month showed some improvements. Although we still don't have formal speech therapy, some old words pop out from time to time. I am still "mum" but I do get the occasional "honey" and "baby" and once "Lulu". I am trying to be more patient in this regard.

I have finally achieved some stability in the help from CCAC. I have one PSW, Shiela, who is a gem. She is great with Mike, grooms and trains dogs and does hairdressing. She has been a godsend.

Mike got a new family doctor, Dr. Kasbia in Kanata, not that impressed but at least he got more pain meds.

The physio at Neurologic continues to amaze, Mike has now gained enough strength in his leg that we got rid of the commode, and he is working with a walker and one handed quad cane. He is starting to be able to do more on his own, as he gets stronger, which gives both of us independence. He is still experiencing extreme pain, especially in the shoulder. I learned a new technique today to message it. 

He had a back treatment this week which I hope will help with the mobility. 

We are both learning to live with this situation. His mood is still good except when I refuse to do anything for him that I feel he can do himself. It's a delicate balance of picking my battles or playing the heavy for his own good.

Visitors are scarcer now that school is back, but have seen both our dear friends from Belleville, Sue and Ross, and Ron and Joanie from Sarnia. Maggie and Luc came down for the fair which we enjoyed immensely.  I continue to receive support from my usual crew, thank God for them. The neighbors continue to be there for us . I am slowly starting to accept this situation, trying to get back to my regular activities and trying to live life, one day at a time. 

Summer has come to an end, Fall now upon us. I got the pool down and trailer is put away. All I can do is take each day as it comes. This is still so hard, but with the new fall tv, cooler weather, it's a bit more manageable as Mike has a bit more entertainment to keep him occupied.

My hope for month five is that he finally gets to do some walking and can gain more speech and independence. For myself, I need to find my ground, something that takes me out of this continual sadness and hopeless feeling. I need more emotional support and we need to find some new friends that are in a similar situation. I need to accept what is, not what was, and pray what will be is better.

Finally Home (month three)

Month three has brought lots of movement and the return of Mike to home and his new normal. I have struggled emotionally, as he has struggled physically, to get back some of what he has lost. I have found out our healthcare system sucks and that I am not emotionally equipped to being a caregiver.

I began this month with preparing the house for his return, got bed down on first floor,  rented a commode, got grab bars and bed rails, making it easy for him to get around the house.We had two trial weekends, August 1st long weekend and the following one, just three days before his return. The first was a great homecoming, wonderful for him to see Finn, the neighbours and return to our intimacy as a couple. It was a great trial run, but I have to admit I enjoyed by 4 days off in between. We had lots of visitors and celebrations, so on the second visit, I requested no visitors so I could just concentrate on us. 

Three days later we brought him home to Jacks welcome home banner and a visit from Arnie. We had a quiet dinner and evening. It has been a challenging ten days. Problems with the home care, and personal adjustments have made this a real challenge for me mentally. I cry and cry. I am fraught with anxiety over every little thing. Problems that should be routine are like the Alps for me to mount. I am hyper sensitive and overwrought, and exhausted. Because I love him so, I try to give in to his every demand, although he is being as helpful as he can. He is in chronic pain, even worse than before and quite helpless. It is almost more than I can bear. At times cranky and stubborn, it is impossible to fight with someone who you can't even understand. And there are few in my circle who truly understand what I am going through, although I have had great support from our neighbours and emotionally from my friend out west, Roberta

I have had it with the so called support system provided by OHIP, it sucks. I have had a week of stress over this and now two meetings and still not resolved. I need time to recuperate, to heal, to grieve. Still waiting for many things that should have been done  at the hospital, and am getting call after call. I need these things to be settled before I can settle down.

The only bright side in this whole thing is the place I have chosen for his private physio, called NeuroLogic. They have done more for him in two sessions than in the whole five weeks at EB. Now all I have to do is get a dam prescription to get paid, what a pitiful excuse for healthcare. I have done more chasing around than I care to think about.  His speech is coming along and we can at least communicate and enjoy each other (most of the time)

So I go I into month four with hope of better mobility and quality of life for Mike and a return to a more stable emotional state for me.

A Long, long road - (month two)

Here we are, another month has gone by in this incredible journey, fighting back from the stroke that occurred to my husband on May 23rd. Let me start by saying that it has gotten better, but not by much. More people have gone by the wayside, now that summer is here, now that Mike is no longer critical, things go back to status quo. People still have their opinions, on what I should and shouldn't do or act, but I remain steadfast in my believe that marriage and commitment are a full time job, not to be taken lightly. Mike is now in rehab, which has done wonders for his progress but he still remains, for the most part, non speaking and non walking. Communication is getting better, not as frustrating.

We have met many wonderful people here, all going through the same devastation as We are. It is amazing to see the spirit of the victims and the dedication of the family, we all seem to be zombied out.

Burnt out and confused and terrified of the future. What do we do with these people who were our better halves, our strong pillars, our lovers and best friends, who can only partially participate in life?

Finding a new normal will be a difficult thing and I have many fears. But for now I just must concentrate on the progress made, the fun times we are making for ourselves on our nightly outings to the market, the reunion of Mike and his dog, and pray that God is kind and merciful and gives us back most of what was taken away, in one short moment.

The Shock And Awe

It has been a month since Mike has had his stroke. I think I have gone through every possible emotion and trying to live with the shock of what has happened and the awe in which I watch my husband slowly try to reclaim his life.

I would say the first weeks are like going through the grieving process, the disbelieve,the anger and such a sense of loss.I have cried an ocean of tears, probably more than in my whole life put together.

I have felt fear and loneliness so profound, it is almost mind numbing. Thank God for friends, relatives and drugs, I would never have gotten through this without them. 

It is surprising who sticks with you and who does not, people you thought that would be your rock, suddenly become scarce, lost in their own lives. Although I understand this, it hurts and disappoints.

Everyone is full of suggestions, things I should do, things I shouldn't do, all have an opinion. The simple fact is this, all you want is someone to listen, someone to come over or invite you over for a chat or a meal. It is amazing to me how much energy this consumes. People take it for granted that you are the same person as before. They are so, so wrong. You cannot think straight, you cannot make a decision, your emotions are all over the map. For Christs sake, your whole world has just come crashing down around you, and that's all you really know, take my word for it.

The first task was to get Mike back to Ottawa so it would be easier to visit, that got done the first week, he was transferred to the Neuro floor of the Civic. Next was to take care of getting all our equipment off the campsite, that also got done in the first week. Then to cancel our Grundy reservations, which broke my heart and write away to the parks to try and get a full refund. Needless to say, this all contributed to my already fragile state. I thank God for my daughter April and my dear friend Arnie Chattaway, who helped me through the toughest time of my life and was there for me when I lost it, time after time.

The next week on the Neuro floor was terrible as the care and attitude of the doctors on that floor was reprehensible, I would not treat a dog the way the patients are treated there. Put in wheelchairs and left for hours at a time, then try to give them rehab. I could not convince them that Mike was in pain, instead they mistook it for stubbornness and reported that he was uncooperative, which caused him to lose his chance at getting into a rehab Center. I lost my marbles over this and took a real fit, he was then transferred to the 3rd floor transition unit.

Here is where the story changes and the hope and healing begins. He has gotten excellent care on this floor and made great strides, the feeding tube is gone, he is eating great, started to talk more and getting physio and speech therapy. On June 15th, we received the great news that he got accepted into the Bruyere institute for rehab and should be going within the next few weeks. On the 17th, he finally got a pain treatment at the General. This has greatly helped his attitude and mobility. It has also helped my morale as he is always upbeat, saying new things and being very affectionate with me. On the one month  anniversary of his stroke, the catheter came out for good.

We are both starting to heal, little by little. After one month into this journey, I am in awe of how the brain comes back and heals, oh so slowly, but progress is there. We have a little routine going, I visit every day and we have our special outings together. I am starting to get a bit stronger as I learn to be alone and truly independent for the first time in my life and accepting that life doesn't always go as planned.

A Big Change of Plan

Our maiden voyage of camping 2015 started out with promise but ended unexpectedly when my 58 year old husband Mike had a massive stroke on Saturday, May 23 in our trailer.

We had had good weather, a little cool, but we got to try out our new toys, Mike had bought himself a fishing kayak and I had bought a standup paddleboard.  We went by the osprey nest but saw no sign of them this year. Although I heard the Orioles, I didn't see them but I did get to see a rose breasted grosbeak which landed in a tree nearby. Almost immediately after I put up my feeder, the hummingbirds started coming. It was great to see them.

Since it was too cold to swim, I decided on doing a lot of walking and bike riding. Mike came some days, but we had to stop and rest a lot. We saw the raccoon (probably the same one from last year) doing his tour around 5pm and a couple of other times during the day he gave me a good scare by coming up behind me in the yard. He is quite brazen. 

We had Cris and Arnie for dinner our first day and April and Jack were going to come up the weekend of the 22nd, however, on that Friday night, she called to say that Jack had a sore throat and so did she so they would not be coming for the weekend. I was disappointed but that's life. We were having a quiet evening, it was cool and I was reading, Mike took Finn out around 11pm but Finn wouldn't go, just sniffed over and over. Mike was uncharacteristicly angry with him. I went to bed at 11:30pm, giving Mike a kiss goodnight.

At 6:15am I awoke to see Mike fall from the bed onto the floor. I got up and found he was awake but looked like he fell and couldn't get up. I asked him what was wrong but he couldn't answer. I thought it was because of his pain, but then noticed he had a droop to his face and realized that he might have had a stroke. I immediately called 911, then Cris and Arnie who were nearby in Smith Falls. The ambulance came and took him to Kingston General Hospital, where it was confirmed that he had had a massive stroke.

So, I have had a big change of plans, and I begin a new type of journey, one that certainly will not be as pleasant and easy as the great summer I had planned for myself.

The Transformation

Since my New Years resolution to commit to a new eating regime and to stay smoke free, I have surprised myself and done exceptionally well. With a lot of hard work and dedication I am 11 pounds away from my goal weight, a total loss to date of 29 pounds. I have also not had so much as a puff of nicotine, although this is the hard struggle, much harder than dieting and exercising daily. It is taking all my willpower and patience to remain smoke-free, but I determined to do it.

In mid-January I joined a Fitness club in my area, Movati Athletic, which has transformed me from an over-weight sloth to a highly active determined woman, who feels great and looks and feels 10 years younger. I also followed a website called startyourdiet.com which taught me how to eat correctly to reach my goals. I started out at 156 lbs, and for my height of 4 ft 10 inches, I should weigh between 105-119 lbs. I chose my goal of 116 because I like round numbers and a goal of 40 lbs weight loss seemed perfect and it gives me a small buffer. My BMI will be at the healthy range and I have already achieved a waist measurement below the suggested measurement of 35 inches for women.

I started out with a 44 inch bust, a 40 inch waist and 44 inch hips. ( making me look and feel like a 4x4)

I loved the gym, and tried many fun classes, Zumba, Salsa, Aqua fit, Yoga, a Drumming class just to name a few. After all my classes, I was able to have a swim and hot tub and I could follow with either a steam bath or sauna. The club is a beautiful facility with lots of great people and I have found a new life there, for which I am very grateful. The first two months were my best, going to the Club every day, and by following my eating regime, was steadily losing two pounds a week. It has slowed down to a pound a week now, and I now go about 5 days a week, as it is now nice enough outside to do biking and other activities, which I fully embrace. I am now down to 127 pounds ( a loss of 29 pounds) and I now measure 38-34-38, a full 6 inches all around. But the best part is my energy level and stamina which has gone through the roof. I am now looking forward to a summer full of biking, kayaking, swimming, walking and paddle boarding, and showing off my new body in a bathing suit.

Here's to the last 11 pounds, may they be gone by September!

Out with the old, in with the new - Happy New Year 2015

Another year over, and a new one begins. I have to say that 2014 has been a year to remember. My first full year of retirement, my many adventures and last but not least, a health scare that profoundly changed my life.

In January, I had an awesome adventure to Las Vegas and fulfilled my husbands lifelong wish to see the Grand Canyon. To say Vegas is exciting and alive is an understatement, it's non-stop action. Although we only spent 4 days there, we packed in a plethora of activities. Since we were lucky enough to be joined by my sister and husband, we got to share this as together. We saw about six different attractions, got to ride a gondola and be serenaded on my birthday in Italian, saw a Vegas show, had great eats, great laughs and of course gambling (but we won't talk about that!). The highlight had to be our helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon, landing inside and having lunch there.

The beauty is unsurpassed and very humbling. I must say, I am glad we did it.

It seems I no sooner got home and unpacked when we started to prepare for our road trip to Florida where I rented a house for a five week period, from March 6 to April 12. My daughter was joining us for the ride down and staying with us, along with my grandson Jack, who was already in Florida with his other grandparents. It was a great driving adventure with two stops overnight, one in Shippensburg, Pa and one in Georgia (very forgettable). Saw lots of great scenery, especially South of the Border in South Carolina. We arrived in Florida around noon to hot weather, woohoo. Got to the house in Haines City and got settled. The house, which I had been in the year earlier, hadn't changed, I consider it my home away from home on Kokomo Drive. I love everything about Florida, from Walmart to Disney, to Cracker Barrel and Golden Corral and went to lots of new places this time. My sister arrived later that night and we swam in the pool till all hours, life is one long vacation there. Did Disney with Jack, which was awesome, had a Titantic adventure (just us girls). The week went by quick and Jack and April were gone, my sister and I had a couple of days to ourselves, and did some fine dining, Mannys Chophouse, Joe's Crab Shack and did lots of shopping. It was then time to say goodbye to her and after a few days of relaxation, my mother in law arrived for the next ten days. We did Epcot (a new adventure for me) and Bok Gardens, a beautiful place. Got to swim and shop, drink fresh squeezed orange juice every day and generally relaxed till her time was also up, ten days later. For our last week my husband and I went to Busch Gardens, where I have to say was the highlight of the vacation, as I got to hand feed the giraffes. I will never forget that as long as I live. An awesome adventure, to say the least. It was our time to head back to home and reality, a 25 hour, non-stop trip as we did not realize it was the Masters golf tournament in Georgia and no hotels to be had. So we came straight home and prepared for my first summer of non-stop camping. 

We left in May to Charleston Lake and ended it there in September, but in between got to camp for 8 glorious weeks at Grundy Lake, our favorite spot. Although the weather was not co-operating and it was a cool damp summer, it was fun all the same. Got home in time to spend some quality time with my grandson before heading out for a last few weeks to finish camping season.

The fall was beautiful, got back to a normal routine. For the first time in many years, we went to my sisters house in Sturgeon Falls with April and Jack for the Thanksgiving holiday. We had a great family time, however, I had gotten a bad cold, my first illness of the year. I got antibiotics, and got rid of the bronchitis but still felt strangely tired and listless, then developed to dizziness and nausea, constipation and extreme thirst. After weeks of confusion and breathlessness, when I developed severe rapid heart pounding which lead me to believe I was having a heart attack. I asked my husband to take me to the emergency room at the hospital. It was November 25 th, one month before Christmas. 

I was diagnosed with hypercalcemia, a life threatening illness that affects the kidneys ability to filter the blood, the doctor said I was within days of going into a coma and dying. I spent the next four days in hospital, where they flushed out the calcium, and did many tests to determine the cause. It seems between my calcium supplements and all the antacids I was consuming for my heartburn, I was ingesting almost five times the recommended dosage, over a period of many years and my body finally said: No more.My kidneys could no longer filter my blood. As cancer is another cause of this problem, I was scheduled for many tests once I left the hospital, most have come back normal. Two life changing things happened, I quit smoking and stopped overeating, the reason for the antacids was that I am overweight and when I lie down, all the stomach acid comes back up. To stop that you need to lose weight.

So I have ended the year with a firm resolve to continue being smoke free and to lose the excess 35 lbs I have been carrying around for years. I have no more excuses, no work to make me tired, no stress to make me smoke. I have decided that I am worth it. I want to ring in many more new years.

Here's to 2015. Cheers!